The Man-Stories: Written by men to entertain ourselves

What do women want? by D. Swagger

Growing up in high school, I used to take a lot of pride in being that guy that a girl could go to and talk to about their problems. I mean sure, I had plenty of girlfriends but, for me, being a true friend with a female was the key to being ‘that’ guy.You know, the guy that the girl would eventually realize was the perfect man for her and choose to live happily ever after with? Yeah, if I maintained that course of action, I’d still be single.

Now don’t get me wrong, some of those girls I was friends with back then remain some of my dearest friends today, and I wasn’t a total asshole when I met my future wife either. I knew my role, but all I’m saying is that when you play the nice guy role all the time, all you get is shat on.

The true question however is who fault is that? Does the fault lie on the average guy, who grows up listening to mom, big sister, and every other feminine influence in his life as they say that being ‘Prince Charming’ will lead you to a long-lasting healthy relationship? Negative, ghost rider. The fault lies with the women.

Now of course this is a man’s magazine and it’s easy to place the blame on the opposite sex, but think about it. Women truly have no idea what they want from men. Now this may come as a surprise, but D. Swagger has been around the block a few times. And on that journey of enlightenment, I have learned how indecisive women are.I’ve seen the girl who goes back to the guy that beats her. I’ve seen the girl who pays a blind eye to her best ‘pal’ and dates the losers that will hurt her. I’ve also seen the total dumbass that gets gangbanged and tossed in a dumpster afterwards.You know what all these scenarios have in common? They all could have been avoided if the girl got her head out of her ass and realized that they had a good man right in front of them!

I recently asked a female why her kind behaves so irrationally and her response was that some women truly believe they can change the jack-holes, douche-nozzles and dumbasses that they date. Well, here is a news flash to the ladies: all women do is feed those guys’ egos and, in the end, they all end up as a sperm bank with hurt feelings.

"But we’re better off as friends…"

Can you name me one guy who hasn’t heard that line before? Well, it is bullshit. Many know that we as humans are sexual beings; therefore, it is impossible for a guy and a girl to be just friends.Many relationships throughout history have been torn apart by that fucking dude your girl calls ‘a friend.’

Think about it and ask yourself, "Why did I talk to that girl?" I’ll tell you why, whatever the current status of your relationship is, the original reason is because you wanted to get in her pants. Nobody goes up and sparks a conversation with a perfect stranger because they want their conversation. I don’t know about you, but outside of work, if I talk to a girl, it’s because she would look good doing the no-pants dance with your truly.

So that fuck stick ringing up your groceries at Wal-Mart that’s talking to your girl…umm, uh…. he wants in her pants. That douche bag at her job that she says is so funny and you two should hang out with because "you will like him," yeah, he wants in her shorts. While you’re busting your ass doing shit all day at your job, this ass bag is hitting on your girl, and everyday he is getting closer. And if you let it slide or she’s weak, eventually he will be in her pants.

If you let it go on, a week from now or a decade from now, he will be in your kitchen, oh yes, banging the living shit out of your woman. Worst of all, when she comes home from that sinful affair and gives you a kiss, you just kissed his dick. Sorry, guy. When it does happen, who will you be mad at?

Him? I say no, because you don’t hate the player and deep down you would have done the same thing to his girl. Her? No, because women don’t have any idea what keeps them happy and they’re looking for some emotional connection because the countless hours you spend listening to her just isn’t enough. Yourself? Definitely, because you didn’t heed our advice and let this shit go on.

It ain’t your friendship, buddy

So we know women obviously don’t want you perform your best Ike Turner impersonation on them but it seems they don’t want you to be the guy who buys her a grilled chicken salad from Chik-fil-A and shows up at her house to watch the finals of American Idol with her either.The fact is that being neither a total jerk nor being her B.F.F. is the right answer. Unless your woman is strangely similar to Helena Bonham Carter’s character in Fight Club, chances are she’s gonna leave you if you’re a total ass 24/7. The same holds true if your sweeter than Duckie Dale in Pretty in Pink.

Believe it or not, the answer lies in her family.Most women want someone like their father, a man that’s going to support them, listen to them but is not over sensitive, and has the testicular fortitude to put them in their place or occasionally open up some whoop ass on a would-be challenger to your authority.

And that, guys is the magic word: Authority. Women want a guy who isn’t afraid to take charge and establish himself in their relationship.

So guys, step up. Don’t be a sissy. Establish your authority because I promise if you don’t, some other guy will and you’ll be the one coming home to your girl being pounded froggy-style on your new IKEA dining room table.

More D. Swag's Stories

Munch My Taint by Josh Hachtel

Josh Hachtel is an improv comedian with over 1,000 suscribers on Youtube. See his videos at

Hello readers. Just recently, I had been asked to add to the awesomeness that is The MAN-gazine. I am honored and privileged. I'll be writing an article each issue entitled Munch My Taint...rants about what's pissing me off at the time (and trust me, there is no shortage of topics).

I’m a Sexy Beast - I am one sexy mothafaku. I mean damn! I know a lot of you are thinking that with my rugged good looks, and my charming personality, I should be getting more 'tang than a thirsty astronaught. Sadly, this is not true. I find that most women are actually intimidated by my sexiness. It's a curse, but somehow I manage to survive.

I’m Fucking Manly -  Yeah, you won't find me getting any manicures or pedicures or any of that crap. No waxing of any sort. Yeah, I have a hairy torso and hairy knuckles...signs of true manliness. I've never been in anything remotely considered a salon. Any time I've gotten my hair cut, it's been at a barber shop. I do manly things like go camping, fishing, shooting...I've cut down trees. Most of all, I hunt. You can't get much more manly than killing an animal, gutting it, skinning it, processing it and eating it. It's the greatest. (all you animal rights Peta hippies can kiss my ass). There is nothing remotely metrosexual about me. Metro sexuals are basically closet gays. That's right, I said it. If you're gay, fine. Be proud of who you are. Don't try to hide it by calling yourself "Metrosexual." This is one of the many reasons I've been asked to join this great e-zine.

I'm Pretty Damn Honest - Yeah. If you annoy the piss out of me, if you're a big douche, if I just flat out do not like you, I will let you know. I feel it is my duty to let people know exactly what I think of them. What's worse, me being all nice to you, making you think we're friends, only to hear from someone else that I can't stand you? Or me flat out telling you that I don't like you? If it was me, I'd prefer you to just tell me that you don't like me. No harm done. You go your way, I go mine. And we don't have to go on living a lie. Fuck the bullshit. You should never wonder whether I like you or not. Also, if, as a friend, I see that you are fucked up on a particular situation, I'll tell you that you're fucked up. I have close friends who can attest to that. I'm not going to automatically take your side just because you're my friend. I will flat out say "Dude, you're all fucked up about this." It's not that I've turned against you, it's that I, as a friend, feel that you should know if you're being a jackass.

I'm Not Afraid To Speak My Mind -
Again with the whole honesty thing. I don't hold much back. As you have seen from my previous blogs, I am willing to say what most think, but lack the testicular fortitude to say themselves. Most of my past editions are rants I've said aloud to people, so it's not just me writing crap thinking that many people won't see it (besides, I've been getting around 100 views a week now).

I never use these annoying ass abbrieviations -  Most people I know use them. I even have a close personal friend who says LOL after almost every sentence she types while talking on messenger (I use the term messenger because I don't do product placements). All this LOL, ROTFL bullshit annoys the piss out of me. I've never used them, never will, unless I'm making fun of those that do LMAO. What's worse is people who type "kewl" instead of "cool." Learn to fucking spell. People who do that are "gai." And what the hell is using "your" instead of the contraction "you're?" As in "Your pretty kewl LOL." Even worse is "ur" in place of that. LEARN SOME FUCKING WORDS AND GRAMMER!!! All that crap really pisses me right the hell off. Whoever came up with this shit? Maybe they can understand this: YCKTFPOMA (You can kiss the fattest part of my ass).

You'll be able to read more rants at and I'm out this bitch!


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